My First Love Mohanlal :)

Today I am writing this blog as a dedication to my favorite actor Mohanlal. Yes, I have kept my emotions and feelings towards him within myself though some of my friends do know about it. But as I was dedicating my radio-show “Ushas” for Mohanlal, it brought all my emotions, desires and my childhood dreams alive.

Yes, going through his songs brought the movies also in front of my eyes and it makes me reassure myself that – I was not a fool to love him so deeply. It was not a mere craze of a teenage girl, but yes he has substance in him and those elements have made me go crazy for Mohanlal.

Even though I was raised outside of Kerala, my parents raised me as a true Malayali girl. Yes, though I am not beautiful but I had long curly hair which when I used to tie like all other malayali girls and go to temples, many aunties, and uncles have loved me and given compliments to me. Many have told me about the beauty as ‘aishwaryam ulla mukham’. All this when I think of now, it makes me feel that I had a dual face because even though my parents were raising me as a malayali girl they also had given me the freedom to be what I am in Pune National Defense Academy.

I was a tom-boy, yes many who know me from school-time can relate to this but not my current friends. I was an athlete and well known as P.T.Usha (the Indian national runner and Olympic star of those days). I used to run in track and have brought pride to my school and my sports teachers by winning cup always.

Field Hockey is another sport that I am deeply in love with. This sport not only taught me how to play, but also how to be a team player and most important for me, it made me a confident human in life. I never got scared, even of death because that’s how it made me strong and confident. My sports teacher, Mrs. Bose madam, gave me immense support, which made me to be what I am as a hockey player, as she always appreciated my fastest shots and penalty moments where I used to make goals and Bose madam used to wave while sitting at the back of her husband’s lambretta scooter – it was like a flag waving in my mind. 

Having said that my dream guy always was someone in mundu, the typical keralite outfit, I always wished someone will express his love for me in Malayalam and through Malayalam songs …yes it sounds crazy but in those days I used to pray to god that every life I should be born as a keralite – that’s the seed my parents sow in my heart and mind. I always envisioned a malayali guy as my dream guy or prince and today I feel very happy to say this that I loved a malayali guy Vinod Narayan who is a typical malayali like I wanted yet he has all those qualities that I visualized to be a open minded man in my life – a friend, philosopher, writer, a poet and a crazy person whom I often don’t tell that I love him J

I want to say thank you to Mohanlal for adding this element of malayali in me, which will go with me to my graveyard. After all this said and done, in my heart I always associate myself as a Puneri and I say so because as a seed raised in Pune NDA environment and the tree that I am today is a mix of both - the malayali girl in me and the Puneri me - feels lucky to be raised in this way - a thank you moment to my Parents as well, specially my dad - a true Malayali who's influence about literature, poetry and music has induced and impacted my life hugely -Thank You Accha!

"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind"

~ Dawn ;)

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions ... :)

Yesterday I met Sheela while I was filling the gas at the gas station near my work.

It was a total surprise as I never expected to meet her or she was no where in my mind either as it had been a long time since we last met.

We both yelled out each other’s name and gave a hug and with big smile we both – How are you my dear?

I paused and answered her first saying, ‘I am doing fine. How about you? It has been a long time.”

Last I remember she was married with a kid and so I went on asking about them too.

Sheela: I am good dear, the best time of my life I can say, but my kid is not with me!

I asked, How come?

Sheela: Long story short, Men are never made for we women. They never understand how we feel and what we go through. It’s all mere words – I know how you feel, I can understand how you feel … etc etc etc but not a single word means anything to them.

I: So you got separated with him and what about kid?

Sheela: It was in India and so he showed his power and the custody went to him. It took a while to get over all this but all I am thinking and being assured is that my child is getting everything that a child needs to grow up with except that instead of his mother he is with his grand mother.

I: But still … a mother is a mother, wouldn’t he be missing you.

Sheela: Guess what I am engaged and you will be shocked!

I: Oh, who? Anyone that I know of?

Suddenly I saw a girl came over and Sheela hugged her and kissed on her lips and said, ‘Hi Sweetie – how was your day?

And Sheela pointed towards me to her and said, “This is my friend from school time and last we met was when she was leaving India.

Michele! Sheela is my fiancé !

I was kind of looking at them as what to say and what to expect but I did shook my hand with Michele.

Sheela came to me with a big laugh and hug. She said, ‘Look, Michele loves me and I also love her. We both understand each other very well. What is my pain she can very well relate as she is a woman like me. After all we all live for love and happiness and I am very happy with my love Michele.

I was kind of puzzled and I said, sorry Sheela but I am curious you were married with a kid and now what you chose…is this by choice or by destiny?

I mean if you were lesbian and then it didn’t work with your husband then it makes totally sense and I can imagine but I never knew that you were one as I had never seen you in this way or even you expressing it to me – because we were good friends, don’t you agree?

Sheela smiled and said, yes I was married and I thought he loves me but it was like a movie, didn’t last long and then by the time I realize I got pregnant and then I decided to live with him for the child’s sake. But how long can you hide behind the veil? I was living a monotonous life with him. Either we fight or we don’t talk to each other at all, weeks after weeks. It became as if life was a formality.

Based on my degree I thought to pursue higher studies abroad and hence I gave my GRE-TOFEL and got into Davis. I finished my degree and looked for a job while I was on my student visa. God is kind, I found peace in doing things that I always wanted to do. Life is different here and I started breathing again in fresh air.

Michele, was introduced to me in a club, when I went for a social event with my co-workers. There was something that clicked between us. I think I was lost in her eyes. Her deep blue eyes which just stare at me as if those eyes are only made for me. I know you will find this all poetic and rubbish. Believe me, I am telling you exactly what I felt..!

We exchanged our numbers and we left. One Friday I got a call from Michele asking if I would like to go for a concert with her. Frankly speaking her phone and her talk made my heart beat fast – after I hang up with her on the phone, I was smiling from inside. I don’t know what was it, but I thought I should flow with the wind without making any judgments.

That Friday I met her at the Yoshi’s and it was the night of lovers. Michele and me were like one soul together enjoying the music and there after food and wine. It was all so good until I saw it was too late in the night to go home. Michele, lives in San Francisco and so her house is near by. I accepted her invitation and went to her place. We were talking about our life and experiences in life and I don’t even know when I went to sleep.

Morning when I woke up, Michele was there with a cup of coffee looking at me and smiling. I immediately woke up and was about to say – no need of all this, you should have called me.

But she repeated all my dialog and said – I don’t want to hear that. I just smiled and took the coffee from her hand … I don’t know what it was but we are together now for life and I love it!

What do you need in life? A loving person who can be your friend, partner who can understand you, make you happy, share your pain and be there for you? – I have that person in my life, if that person is like me, so what? We are still two different individuals who love and do our own things and are happy to support each other!

I had filled the gas by then and I think I was holding the other cars at the back… I just quickly recovered from all this and said, nice meeting you Sheela, sorry have to rush to work… but be in touch and gave a hug to her and Michele.

I drove quickly to my office and in my mind I was thinking, is it by choice or by circumstance? And all I could see is her life in India.

 “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."~ Robert A Heinlein