I can't breathe,

I am getting suffocated,

I can't breathe,

I am troubled!

Listening to these words,

Still what kind of hatred 

Does one has?

Hatred and anger,

For that person?

To whom he killed,

Suffocating him with his knee

On his neck until,

He took his last breath!

I am getting suffocated,

Looking all this,

Which era am I living in?

In the olden days,

I had heard elders telling,

Us the stories from history,

In class and that time,

There was this hope about,

Future,

Where everything will be fine,

Justice will be there,

Equality,

racism will be erased,

discrimination over

caste and religion will be 

over,

One can practice religion,

At home,

But there won't be 

Any injustice!

Today I feel suffocated,

Where are we humans 

Heading?

Why we have become,

Thirsty for each other's 

Blood,

I am feeling suffocated,

Even by thinking of how

#georgeflyod

was suffocated to 

death,

By the law and force,

Protectors,

And all this was,

Being watched by other,

Law protectors,

This injustice was,

Witnessed by the,

Law and Force protectors!

I'm feeling suffocated,

My heart is broken,

I am fallen in my own eyes,

What times are we giving,

To our coming generation?

I am feeling suffocated,

Let me breathe!

Let me have my freedom,

To live in peace!

~ Dawn

#JusticeForGeorgeFloyd #JusticeForBreonnaTaylor #JusticeForTonyMcDade #BlackLivesMatter #ICantBreathe

Life is nothing but...

When you find your demerits,

And accept it then you put all effort,

To change them and make it work for you,

Similarly something happened with me too,

When I saw that my colleagues in telemarketing,

Were better than me, I put all my effort in learning,

With hard-work and dedication I became sales champ,

Initially my job used to be from 4 pm to 11 pm,

With my performance, I got three more projects added,

Into my portfolio for selling on the phone,

Now I work from 8 am to 11 pm 

Work, work, work, sell, sell, sell, products and products,

If you trust your product, it's easier to sell,

Every call of mine started becoming a sale,

Something which I never even thought in my dreams,

To be a top sales representative on phones for cold calls,

That too the products were, credit cards, insurance, electricity,

Long-distance calling packages, Phone companies,

I had never imagined people would buy these on the phone,

But it was the truth, and I believe like they say,

If you sell from your heart the other heart will listen to it,

One floor to the next floor and so forth,

I became famous in the office building,

Many became my friends, and admirers,

So many shared their love and some got rejections,

It's true success brings happiness and love too,

I don't have greed and never did had then either,

Life is to live in the moment and so I lived my moment,

I always had a dream to watch in person India playing cricket,

And that day has arrived too as I read Toronto Star newspaper,

I had decided on Sunday, I am going to watch the match in person,

Monday to Saturday was my work in the Call Center,

It was an hourly job for $10, it was like grasping at straws,

On top of that I was selling few products from 8 am to 11 pm,

It was India and Pakistan Sahara-Cup friendly match in 1997,

I was able to see Sachin - the God of Cricket and Azhar then Captain,

My dream Azhar batting on the field was a mesmerizing moment,

Me common person and they well-known famous celebrities,

Shaking hands with each-other and asking well-being of each other,

Ravi Shastri the commentator too was an interesting in person,

Dada- Saurav Ganguly- that moment still in my heart and mind,

Indian and Pakistani players together in warm-up sessions,

Helping each-other during warm-ups and net practice,

Life is nothing but only love, that's how I see this world!

~ Dawn

This was my first experience!

Living  alone has its own fun,

Fun and despair at the same time,

But if you have a goal in mind,

Nothing can distract you from it,

My goal was to stay there and learn,

Wanted to focus on my sales in Call Center,

Took the training very seriously and,

Understood the product better to sell,

Analyzed the benefits of it for self,

One thing was sure about me 

If I have really liked the product,

I am definitely going to sell easily,

I have always sold products from my heart,

Without cheating and without putting pressure,

I never had a confidence that I will sell anything,

But here, I was making sales 30 everyday,

My job was a bit strange as a telemarketer,

It starts at 4 pm and ends at 11 pm at night,

I used to reach to people where its no 9 pm yet,

I have heard and seen door-to-door sales,

But selling on the phone as telemarketing,

This was my first experience!

~ Dawn

Learn to adjust...

The way the training was going on,

It was clear its a sales job, you have to sell,

My situation wasn't such that,

I could say 'no' and walk-out from there,

I used to feel that's rude and mean to say,

But for me there wasn't any option either,

I had heard education is very expensive here,

I was lucky to to get learn about sales technique,

And whatever came in my way I learned,

It will come useful everywhere,

After two days of tough training,

We were sent to the call center to sell,

When earlier everyone was telling me to opt for sales job,

Because I can speak English and should try my luck there,

But I can't even imagine myself selling as I freak out, even now,

Till now there was no need of office going clothes,

As in the restaurant I had uniform and apron,

Here I will have to go in professional attire,

So I shared my dilemma with the Maharashtrian lady,

She took me to a Goodwill's store,

Here people donate their clothes and that's washed and sold here,

I bought a few for myself to wear in the office,

The lady wasn't that happy with everything going,

Not sure what was the issue was it I left the job or will I earn more now?

Anyhow, I had to move out of that place,

As the lady had given the ultimatum to find my own,

I looked around an apartment for rent at 

St Dennis Drive on the 8th floor,

At least here it will be my world and my ways,

Initially I was scared as I was still new here,

I never lived alone so far here,

As I landed I was at Pastor's house and then this lady,

I really want to thank both of them for my experience,

Today anyone asks, I suggest not to live with roommates,

If you want to stay, stay alone or else

Learn to adjust with roommates !

~ Dawn

You got to take risk in life...!

In all my effort and risks that I took,

No one ever encouraged me ever here,

Everyone say don't leave the cashier job,

At least you're at restaurant where you get food,

I feel either people are happy in what they are doing,

Or else they are scared of taking risks,

My problem was my boredom for sure,

But at least I should work as per my education,

Otherwise how would I challenge myself

How would I learn something and teach something,

Life was becoming difficult and depressing too,

I had to challenge myself and take some risks,

To feel life and live from a new point of view,

For me challenges were living life,

With the lady I had good and bad days,

The lady didn't like me looking for better opportunities,

Overall after living for three and half months,

The lady asked me to find my own way,

She insisted and took me to a place for renting apartment,

I had to pay 200 dollars deposit to get apartment in two weeks,

When I followed up there was no phone and no company,

The person did collect money from many and ran off,

All this and the behavior of lady left a bad taste in mouth,

In all this my training had started and I bid farewell from Movenpick,

Some were worried for me as how I will be?

And some thought I was brave,

Well you got to take risk in life,

Or else what would you get?

~ Dawn

Never let courage to drown in anyway...!

During this time I never gave up,

I was trying for a better prospectus,

Where I can enjoy the work and learn more,

A salary where I could meet my ends and save too,

After all to dream is not a crime!

I used to send my resume to many places,

And I would get rejection letters from there,

But I never gave up sending resume was my job,

One day a call came through for me,

It was an interview call with question and answer!

Everything was good as per the interviewee

But he felt I don't have a Canadian experience,

I also was prompt to say, give me an opportunity,

To show experience am sure you must be once in same shoes,

One opportunity every immigrant should get to be lucky!

I got an opportunity to meet the Vice President,

Interview went well had good discussion but still,

Vice President felt I will use this as stepping stone,

Later I will look for better prospectus and 

You will look for better positions as time comes,

And so sorry, we won't be able to appoint for this!

I have seen sunrise and also seen sun setting,

But I have never given up, kept sending those resumes,

There was a light at the end of the tunnel 

From Mastech company almost like signing the papers 

But something went wrong with them and it was gone too!

Like this many sunsets I witnessed during that period,

But then the Sun comes up everyday without fail, 

Same way I never let my courage to drown in anyway,

Then there was a call for training prior to hiring for a job,

Here I got the training and then the call center job too!

~ Dawn

Save your own life first

Let's look at my job that time,

A Cashier's job is not just counting money,

In fact cooking, sweeping the floor, washing dishes,

Many times I felt what have I achieved coming this far,

In a developed country my degree would be of some use I thought,

But here immigrants have to prove their caliber,

Well, let me tell you what happened one day,

One Saturday in Summer time, 

Restaurant was packed with tourists from across 

Business was good that day with collections,

My cash tray was filled with American dollars,

While helping a customer at the cash counter,

A hand came from behind on the cash tray,

The moment I saw the hand I caught him,

That hand grabbed the money from the tray,

He was trying to run with that cash,

How would I allow him to run with that cash?

After all I grew up in National Defense Academy,

How could I let him go so easily

I just caught him in all enthusiasm from behind,

He was seven feet tall guy and his shirt was in my hand,

I was only 5 feet 4 inches but I had no less energy and excitement,

With bravery I caught the thief and also released him,

If it was India where a girl catches a thief 

Everyone will come to rescue and help to catch the thief,

At least India was like that when I grew up there,

Well, after catching the thief I called for my manager Peter

Since he didn't showed up and rest of the people were watching the scene,

I said to the thief, go man its your day,

I went inside and asked the manager you didn't come to help?

The thief has robbed the money and left,

Manager without an eye contact, said he was busy,

Well, he was having his pasta at that time,

Here things were different I was kind a crazy for them,

The cops came and inquired and investigated,

There was a scratch on my hand with the nail of that thief,

Cop said, you're lucky that you're alive,

If he had a gun in his pocket and if he had aimed at you?

That day I learned a lesson there,

No matter what happens save your own life first,

Here no one cares for anyone, everyone mind their own business,

I reached home that evening when I came to know it was on TV,

A brave India girl got saved from getting killed!

~ Dawn

Sun is never the same from dawn to dusk..

At King street we were only a week

Then we shifted to condominium,

Here I didn't have a room for self,

I was sharing with the 9 year old kid,

Time used to pass very well with the kid,

Now after work I used to go day time work

At the restaurant where lady's husband worked,

Big cities, big restaurants had all this show-biz,

But only the employees who work their know, 

The real story of their life with minimum wages,

It was like people had only one dream how to add hours,

Drop by drop the hours will pay more 

But then it comes around there you earn more,

You pay tax more to the government,

But then if you earn less how would you manage expense,

The whole world is grinding under this,

I had a good job in India which I left

I wondered is this why I came all the way here?

I was not happy with this and this is the only job I have,

As per the lady, she kept pestering you shouldn't leave this,

I used to feel bad for such discouragement,

I used to consider them as family,

The lady used to go to work during the day,

Her hubby would leave in the evening to return at 4 am,

To make both ends meet this was the job,

I had decided I won't be at this job for long,

I gave myself four months to find another job,

The daughter used to like me we were friends,

We used to spend time talking discussing and playing,

Lady used to be insulting sometimes with her behavior,

Her parents were visiting and they loved me 

But the lady didn't invite me for her daughter's birthday,

She didn't want to invite me as I had less salary and a small job,

But the mother invited with love and affection,

She mentioned you are part of this family,

You must come for the birthday party,

I respected the mother and so went for the party,

Took a small gift for the little girl,

Lady after seeing me said, I didn't invite you

Because you may not have money to buy gift,

I still remember the expression and moment of that time,

One doesn't have to be in a situation forever,

Things change and one gets an opportunity to change,

The husband and the daughter were nice and polite to me,

Probably in this country I was scared to live alone,

I still decided to stay their and ignored everything else,

When lady had to get groceries she would be nice and polite,

I used to fall for those and help getting bags of rice and potatoes  

We used to go in bus to get these from far and carry the weight alone,

In all this if I get delayed to give rent because I couldn't get the cash,

She would really mess up my day with taunts,

In the beginning things were good but as time started moving,

The lady's behavior was different and disrespectful,

I used to wash the pots nice and shiny 

Since then that became my job,

Sometimes I would forget all this and make Indian crepe dosa,

I used to give hair massage and shoulder massage when they asked,

But then even Sun is never the same from dawn to dusk,

So I believed myself that my time will also turn into good!

~ Dawn

 

I lost something and gained too...

The Maharashtrian lady had called me,

Her husband would be at home when I reach,

I also conveyed about Pastor dropping me,

She cautioned her husband about the Pastor,

We reached quickly while listening to Jesus songs,

It was downtown area quite a hustle-bustle one,

The lady's house was a two-story townhome,

As I was knocking at the door Pastor came running,

The husband opened the door and introduced himself,

I also shook my hand and introduced myself,

I said, this is Pastor came to drop me till here,

The husband smiled and said to the Pastor,

Parked in the wrong place cops may ticket you,

The Pastor heard cops, he ran towards his car,

After that I never saw Pastor in this life,

Very nicely and respectfully welcomed me home,

The Maharashtraian lady's husband was from Goa,

With hospitality he showed me my room,

That evening was very deep for me,

As if I lost something and gained too,

My evening was with the lady's nine year old daughter,

Husband was a Movenpick's restaurant manager,

He said if you want you can earn more money 

I can arrange some 2-3 hours overtime for you,

You don't have to pay the rent here 

Save your money and buy your own home.

Listening to all this, I was wondering husband-wife,

What a difference in both of their thoughts,

I couldn't figure out whom should I thank that night!

~ Dawn

Well, it was time to move...

No one has a right to make you cry

Unless they are your closed ones

Here no one made you their own,

My fault considering them as my own,

Evening came home and told Pastor and wife,

I will leave tomorrow as found a place to rent,

They were not happy when they heard me moving,

Asked where are you going and why in hurry?

Since you said Pastor, I don't want to trouble you,

I reached out to Maharashtrian lady, she helped me,

Listening on to this Pastor's wife was not happy,

She said anyway you have to pay rent, why not pay here?

If I listen to her then I will be stuck there again,

Immediately, I lied I am not paying any rent there,

As soon she heard living free, she couldn't say much,

And I considered that as a 'okay' to move from there,

Seemed Pastor didn't sleep last night said his expression,

I had packed already and was ready to make this move,

At the breakfast table Pastor said no need to go,

You took to your heart what I said, You can stay here,

Who doesn't have self-respect? And I was full of it,

I said because of me, I didn't want people to gossip,

Pastor's wife was unaware of all this she asked gossip?

Seems she was unaware of Pastor's this trick that he played,

Well, one may not reach the Dawn save by the path of the night,

I said, now its too late to say all this as arrangements have been set,

When I was about to say, Goodbye, Pastor insisted on one thing,

At least allow me to drop you, I can do that much,

I left Homewood Ave, the streets of Pastor,

To the veranda of King Street in Pastor's car.

~ Dawn

You're fallen from the sky stuck on the palm tree!!!

That day I left home with tears but mind was busy,

Wondering how to get out of this situation,

Not that I know a lot of people at this time,

And even if I do, the hope of getting help was less,

For some reason didn't want to bother Yamuna,

Since we have same employer called the Maharashtrian lady, 

Thanking for everything I requested about renting a room,

If she can help or check with her friends in case,

I could even baby-sit your daughter besides renting,

The lady first said no, not in my house,

Hubby doesn't like his sister also staying here,

So I will check with my friend she gives room on rent,

Requested again to help as its difficult at Pastor's place,

He will throw me out or force to convert, safety is important

If I can rent at your place, at least you're not a stranger to me,

But when she refused, my throat dried immediately,

But with the hope that friend will get back I continued my work,

Before I leave, the lady called and said friend has agreed,

$300 rent, she will feed you too, is this acceptable to you?

My job still the cashier with minimum wage and weekends only,

Sometimes better leave things on Jesus I thought, and said I accept,

The lady started thinking said don't do anything I will get back,

After my team break got back to cash-register to help customers,

In no time manager called about phone-call, he was not happy,

No personal calls he said, only if its emergency you get that?

You can take it now but remember next time, it was the lady

She was a HR receptionist and showed her pride too,

Concerned manager a call from head office, started listening,

The lady said I pleaded and hubby has agreed for you to rent,

You can stay at my place but have to pay $200 cash on pay-day,

No one should know about this rent not even my hubby,

It's better to be with known devil than unknown, I accepted,

You're fallen from the sky stuck on the palm tree!!!

~ Dawn

That night was strange ...!

Pic: My room at Pastor's house

I returned home after work that evening,

I had my dinner already and was about to go,

When Pastor said, he wants to talk to me,

He said day-time my wife and kids are not home,

Its you and me in this house, I am young 

And people can talk relating to us having affair,

This is not good for my profession as a Pastor,

I think you should move out of this house,

If you don't have any other place then 

I can suggest you can rent my other house

Its two bedroom but you will have to pay $500

I was surprised he was of my father's age

Who will talk about me and him I wondered?

Pastor said you should move out there,

I was wondering why would a single person

Need a two bedroom house that too so expensive?

I don't even make that kind of income,

Somehow I was making the ends meet

I am sure Pastor also know my financial situation,

But this was one of his way of giving mental torture,

I went to bed very disturbed that night and,

Jesus was staring at me and I was asking him,

Is this the punishment for not converting my religion?

Convert to christianity or else here's the mental torture

No matter how hard I was thinking I couldn't think much,

I just went to sleep in that tensed mind,

Next day, I woke up and got ready to go to work,

Pastor came and started talking the prayer meet 

When his son was leaving and at 3 am I didn't join them,

To pull something from the past I figured his intention,

I asked Pastor to forgive me for the past, 

I can touch your feet and ask for your forgiveness,

But I can't do anything else that has happened in the past,

He didn't listen to me and kept repeating it as how I didn't join for prayers,

I started crying because I felt we are going in circles,

It was time for my bus so I left the house crying to catch my bus!

~ Dawn

The biggest mistake that I made...

Life was going on without Pastor being there

Weekends I used to go to work and come late

Weekdays the usual chores and the tuition class

Evening I would watch ER-tv series with Pastor's daughter,

That too under the blanket on a mini-tv set,

In Pentecostal religion watching tv, singing dancing is forbidden,

Daughter sings well but only allowed to sing in praise of Jesus,

Everyone was living their dreams in one way or the other,

By hiding or by living in the name of God and religion,

My weekly talk with Yamuna was a big relief to me,

Life was going peaceful until Pastor's arrival from India,

Since the day he came started asking about the translation,

He was not very happy with my progress on the translation of songs,

It was Sunday and I came home late as I had work that weekend,

I remembered Tom had told me he was leaving for Malaysia for work,

I had a bad headache and so I took medicine and went to bed,

Early morning at 3 am Pastor knocked by door for long,

I couldn't get up due to the medicine and didn't want to get up,

Morning 9 am I got up when Pastor came by there,

He was upset and started some taunting verses,

According to Pastor I didn't do good by not attending the prayer,

I was not up for the 3 am prayer when their son was flying to Malaysia,

Since I didn't get up it was the biggest mistake that I made,

He had decided in his mind to punish me that evening!

~ Dawn

I was missing my country badly..

So we were talking about

Pastor's daughter who took me 

Out for a trip in the city,

We got down from the bus

It was with hustle-bustle like a market,

With loudspeaker playing around loud,

I still remember the song as which one it is

you are my hero number one

Indian film Hero Number One, Govinda singing,

My eyes were filled with tears,

Pastor's daughter wanted to see this intensity,

It was almost a month since I left my country,

And I was missing my country badly,

That was the reason when I heard Hindi song,

I cried, and I cried loud as if there is no restriction,

Looking at this scene Pastor's daughter got scared,

she asked if I am okay? said, I was just,

I wanted to show you this place,

I was sure that you would like this place,

This is Gerrard Street, Irish name

But a small India was living here

Like the streets of India in Delhi,

Connaught Place or like Laxmi Road in Pune,

It was packed with people like a fair,

We were not there long because,

We had restrictions from Pastor's house,

That day and that image was in my heart,

As if someone gives you a moment to live and

Then say live your life but have to go now

I remember we had corn and then we left,

Went by same TTC streetcar, train and bus,

We reached home quietly and saw no one

Pastor's wife was working late 

As she gets more money for that

Here everything was about per hour at work,

Everyone got to work hard to bring food to the table,

That night was special for me, so

I spent time with Pastor's daughter,

Few good moments saw with her,

Who is George Clooney? Got to know that night,

I thanked her from my heart.

For that night !

~ Dawn